TOXIC PARENTING

Is it possible for a parent to be toxic?

My answer is "yes" and I will try to explain in this post.

Let me define the term toxic so that it becomes easy for you to understand it it the context of relationships or a family.

Toxic is something poisonous or very harmful. A relationship that is very bad for your mental health is one that can be described as toxic.

Parents can have this negative effect on their own children. Knowingly or unknowingly but the effect is the same and it cannot change how it is described. Culturally parents are supposed to be respected by their children and they are rarely seen as wrong or capable of posing any harm to their children. This is why it is very difficult for children to question their parents or engage in a conversation that allows the child to say their mind. This is usually regarded as rebellious or disrespectful behaviour. This is also supported by various religions hence it is a very sensitive topic to talk about.

When parents exhibit toxic traits towards their children, most people blame the child and assume that it is the child's behaviour that causes a parent to do that. Focus is on how children behave and less people care about how parents treat their children and how they can even influence the behaviour of children. Toxic parenting has led to the raising of a lot of broken people. Some people have mental health and emotional problems that can be easily traced back to how they were raised.

Saying parents are or can be toxic is a conversation many people are not ready to have because they think when someone says their parent is or was toxic then they hate the parents. This is not true and talking about toxic parenting should be normalised if we are going to raise a generation with children with a stable mental and emotional health.

Let me ask this question: If a parent can rape their child, why would you then say there is nothing like a toxic parent? If a parent can murder their own children, can we saying toxic parenting does not exist? Its high time the narrative of blaming children stops and people see toxicity in anyone regardless of who they are. Being a parent does not translate into being a good person. This is why we have what is called bad parenting.

Below is a list some of the signs of toxic parenting

1. they leave you feeling emotionally exhausted after an encounter with them.

2. they use intimidation to get their way. e.g threatening to disown you

3. they control you by guilt tripping

4. they constantly see themselves as a victim

5. they are overly defensive

6. they give back handed compliments

These are things some parents do and for so many years they have been normalised in the name of "parents know what is best for their children." Whenever a parent does something that affects the child, people blame the child instead of seeing things as they are. A balanced approach will help in making sure parents are held accountable for their toxic behaviours too, the same way children do when they do something wrong.

I will give a few practical scenarios that are quiet common and are toxic. There are parents who force their children to pursue certain career paths even when the child has their own dream career. The parents may threaten to stop paying fees if the child does not do what they want. A number of people have studied programs they never intended to study just because the parent forced them to do so. I know of a case where a parent forced his son to study medicine even though he didn't want this at all. Out of fear and anger he did that and gave the certificate to his parents after graduation. He said to them "this is the degree you wanted, here is your certificate, I am now going back to school to study what I have always wanted to study"

This is what it took for the parents to realise what they had done to their child and its a perfect example of a toxic parent. Being selfish to an extent where one imposes everything on their child is toxic. Thinking you know everything about your child to an extent where you cannot let him or her choose what to do in life is toxic and very destructive. It can only breed resentment and anger.

Another example is about parents who choose marriage partners for their children. There is nothing wrong with a parent who shares their thoughts about who their child wants to marry. However it becomes a very bad thing when they act as if the decision is ultimately theirs to make. Marriage is a lifetime commitment and when a parent forbids their child from marrying a certain person because they have someone they think is better without any justifiable reason, it becomes a problem. Being a parent does not mean you make every decision for your children especially when they are adults. Threatening to disown them or to not bless their marriage because they did not marry the person you wanted is a toxic act.

When a parent fails to handle an issue with their child and resort to threats, blackmail or guilt tripping it becomes a problem. Parents who think they are never wrong and should always have things their way are toxic. That failure to acknowledge that they raised a child who is able to make personal choices and decisions is a sign that something is wrong. Only narcissists think they are never wrong and those people can drain you emotionally and mentally. Selfish parents do not think about the happiness of their children, they think everything is about them and they think they are the only ones who know what is best.

When parents fight and involve children in those fights or fight in front of them, is that not a toxic environment to raise children. There are parents who use their children as leverage when they seperate or divorce and this is some toxic behaviour here. After divorce or seperation, parents should solve their problems without using the child to control the other parent because it has a negative effect on the child's mental well being. Some mothers call their children "mistakes" simply because they had them at an early stage and without planning it. Is that not emotional torture? Some fathers come back home in the middle of the night, very drunk and beat up and insult everyone. What do you call that? Abuse has an effect on one's mental health right? That means any form of abuse translates into toxicity.

Parents and children should have relationships that are not sustained by fear and entintlement. Children should respect their parents and parents should not ill treat their children and hide behind wanting what is best from them. Parents should stop wanting their children to live a life they failed to live themselves at the expense of the child's happiness. An example is a parent who wanted to do Engineering and failed and goes on to force their child to do this even when its not what they want. Living your dream by forcing your child to do something you wanted to do is wrong.

It may sound "unAfrican" for children and parents to have dialogues but this is what it should be like. Parents should also listen to their children, support them instead of deciding for them. When a parent says their thoughts, they should leave room for the child to decide. Prioritizing your happiness as a parent at the expense of that of your child simply because you think its best for your child is wrong.

After reading this, some of you will see that they were raised by toxic parents but are in denial because they think admitting it means they hate their parents. Realising this will help you raise your children in a better way because its not everything your parents did that was good. Learn from their mistakes and correct them for the future generations. Some of the problems people have in relationships are a result of being raised by toxic parents and growing up thinking it is normal when its not. Parents can damage their children mentally or emotionally without even realising it. It does not mean we cannot call it toxic because they are parents. Remember they are human beings. In any case if people complain about toxicity in friendships, at work, romantic relationships, on social media platforms etc etc, what makes you think it seizes to exist between a parent and a child? if you never experienced any of the toxic things in your family, good for you. It does not mean everyone had parents like yours.

I could go on and give more examples like those who neglect their children, physically abuses them, those who make their children feel like a burden and all. However I think the little I have written will help you see things differently and help us do better as a generation, because we can avoid repeating the wrongs done by our parents. The idea is to have a healthier generation with an enhanced mental well being.

Please feel free to drop comments and give feedback.

Enjoy your weekend responsibly.

God bless you! Stay winning!